I went to bed every night wishing I woke up with cancer

When I was a teenager I wished I had breast cancer.   

I know it isn’t something to be taken lightly – I watched my aunt fight the illness for years as cancer infecte𒆙d her other organs until she died, slowly, painfully.  

But I still thought it was the only solution to the discomfort I felt from my devel🦩oping chest. That’s how desperate I was. 

I needed someone else to see that my body was not how it is supposed to be. I wanted, more than anything, for a doctor to say: ‘Yes, in fact, after looking there is something wrong here. Your breasts are wrong and need to be removed’. 

I knew I was uncomfortable with my body and I was still reckoning with my gender. I was uncomfortable withﷺ how the world saw my body and confined me into a little gendered, binary box. 

And these feelings only worsened when my teenage years hit and my body started to cha🐷nge in ♌ways I hated.

It was clear that I was expected to be a girl or at the very least, b🗹ehave in the way society expected girls to be♔have – like talk about boys, try to get away with wearing make-up to school, and get excited about buying my first bra.   

But instead, I would bind my chest with bandages and tape, a𝔍ctively hurtinꦇg myself. Sometimes, deliberately causing pain in the hope that the damage I caused would have to result in their permanent removal. 

And of course, my discomfort was so strong that I was hoping to have an illness that was slowlꦆy taking the life of one of the strongest women I have🤡 ever known. 

That’s why I’m so furious, saddened, and downright scared by the news that Health Secretary Wes Streeting has indefinitely extended a ban on the use of puberty blockers for treating gender dysphoria in under-18s, the oℱne thing that could have helped me as a teenager. 

Puberty blockers pretty much do what they s🍸ay – they are aꦕ medication used to postpone puberty in children.  

They block testo🎀sterone and oestrogen – hormon💜es that lead to puberty-related changes in a person’s body, such as periods, breast growth and hair growth. 

The ban will not impact children who are not transgender, the majority of who🦄m are prosc🎶ribed puberty blockers for the temporary treatment of ‘precocious puberty’ when the onset of puberty is thought to potentially cause physical or mental harm.

Studies also suggest they can help to reduce depression and suicidal ideation in transgender and nonbinary youth. 

If I had known what they were when I was growing up, I absolutely would have tried to get my hands on the🌜m. They would have saved me a lot of physical and mental pain that I have carried into adulthood. 

Wes Streeting told parliament that he ‘really cares’ about LGBT children. But his actions don’t show thatꦬ.  

After consulting with independent expert advice from the Commission on Human Medicines (CHM), who stated that they are ‘an unacceptable safety risk’, Streeting has ripped this potentially life saving𒆙🦂 medication from the trans youth of today. 

Considering his previous remarks about trans healthcare, the decision didn’t exac▨tly come as aಌ shock. However, it did feel like a glimmer of hope had been snatched away.

The Cass Report into gender identity services, which came out earlier 🌟this year, called pub💞erty blockers ‘powerful drugs with unproven benefits and significant risks.’

But I believe the real risk to young trans and non-binary peopl🐽e comes from bannin♌g them.   

I didn’t have ๊access to puberty blockers, and so🍒 I thought those horrible thoughts about cancer and tried to damage myself. Now, as an adult, I can see how unhelpful that was, and I work to make sure no other child has the same levels of distress I had. 

I do this by sharing my experience publicly to help anyone else feel less alone. I work with organisations, such as the NHS Sexual Health London –𒐪 a free online sexual health service – to make their environments inclusive o🌜f trans people and their needs. 

And I amplify the voices of othe🐠r trans people, particularly trans youth who are at the coalface of successive governments attempting to strip them of their right and dignity to score political points.

I have also been inspired by the wor𓆏k activist group, Trans Kids Deserv𝔍e Better, has been doing to shed a light on how dangerous this decision is.

Since 24 August, shortly after Streeting confirmed he was ‘minded’ to continue a ban, they have bee🐽n leaving messages for the Health✅ Secretary outside his constituency office in the form of cardboard ‘coffins’ that have been painted and decorated with messages.

Each one represents a trans person who risks los𒁃ing their li🧔fe due to lack of healthcare.  

The message is simple: trans and non binary people d♍emand to be treated with 🐲respect, dignity and wish for access to lifesaving healthcare.  

Until t𒁃hat happens, I’ll remain genuinely scared for all 🍌the young trans and non-binary children, who instead of spending time thinking about video games, homework, parties could instead be hurting themselves, just to be seen for who they are.  

By banning puberty blockers Wes Streeting is neglecting his role as Hea꧒lth Secretary. He is feeding into a culture war and turning his back on some of our society’s most vulnerable, children. He should be ashamed.  

Puberty block♈ers aren’t some evil potion, they are simply medication. Treatment. I don’t understand how Streeting can strip young people of that in good conscience. 

Everyone deserves access to medication that can help alꦿleviate the discomfort they have with their bodies. He has no right to take that away from anyon🀅e. 

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

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